SITTING IN ANOTHER’S CHAIR
Rev. Dr. Dennis Winkleblack
Prospect United Methodist Church
Bristol, Connecticut
June 27, 2010
Ezekiel 3: 4-15
John 13: 31-35
Have you ever heard of Charles Spurgeon? He was a famous preacher of the 19th century. Something of a Billy Graham of his era. He once told a story of a man who was always inviting his friend to come to his orchard and sample his apples. Finally, after years of inviting, the friend admitted, a bit sheepishly that he had, in fact, once tried one of the apples, having picked up a fallen apple by the roadside. “It was,” he said, “the sourest apple I’ve ever tasted. I don’t think I care for any more.”
The apple grower laughed and laughed. “No wonder! Those apples along the road are purposely the bitterest apples I could find to plant. Their purpose is to discourage people from helping themselves to my other apples. If you’ll come inside, friend, I’ll give you apples that are as sweet as honey.”
We may want to question the planting pattern of this apple grower, but the story is a good parable on how people too often jump to conclusions in judging one another. We perceive something negative like sourness on the surface and we immediately label the person negatively. And, of course, likely miss a very sweet relationship.
Never judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in their moccasins.” You’ve heard this before, right? It’s a Native American saying. My point this morning is much the same. I’m saying let’s be careful about judging a person until we’ve sat for a spell in that person’s chair.
The imagery that inspires this particular way of relating the Native American’s advice comes from the prophet Ezekiel. To make a long story short, the nation Israel had been conquered by Babylonia; the Hebrew people kidnapped and forced to live in Babylonia as servants and slaves. Among those kidnapped was Ezekiel, formerly a priest in the Jerusalem temple.
One day God called Ezekiel to deliver a message to his brother and sister Israelites in their captivity. God told Ezekiel that it would be a very tough message for them to hear. But, if they believed the message, only good things would follow. To prepare himself to give this tough/hopeful message, Ezekiel did what to our imagining was a very strange thing. He went into the middle of their compound and just sat among them without saying a word – for 7 days. Why? He wanted to really feel, to really know what it was like to be them. He wanted to sit in their chair for a spell so he would best be able to speak to them what God wanted him to speak without prejudging his fellow Hebrews.
I think the older one gets the more one is impressed with the central truth contained in Ezekiel’s example: people are never only as they seem. Accordingly, to Ezekiel’s point, if you want to really relate to someone you need to be careful about judging them prematurely.
A story which appeared in “Reader’s Digest” some time ago, underscores this very well. Seems a traveler, between her flights at an airport, went to a lounge and bought a small package of cookies. Then she sat down and began reading a newspaper. Gradually, she became aware of a rustling noise. From behind her paper, she was shocked to see a neatly dressed man helping himself to her cookies. Not wanting to make a scene, but wanting to make a point, she leaned over and took a cookie herself. A minute or two passed, and then came more rustling. He was helping himself to another cookie!
In time, they came to the end of the package, but she was so angry she didn’t dare allow herself to say anything. Then, as if to add insult to injury, the man broke the remaining cookie in two, pushed half across to her, ate the other half, and left.
Still fuming some time later when her flight was announced, the woman opened her handbag to get her boarding pass. To her great embarrassment, there she found her pack of unopened cookies.!
People are not always as they seem, indeed! To say the least, many poor relationships have their foundations built on totally incorrect assumptions about each other. Incorrect assumptions about each other that could have been avoided if only we weren’t so quick to judge.
Of course, Jesus never said that we would always succeed in our mission of loving others. He only said that the desire to succeed in relationships must be prominent in our lives. “By this,” he said, “everyone will know we are his disciples.”
No doubt it was a similar kind of passion about doing the right thing, loving as best he was able to love, that led Ezekiel to go the extra mile to be sure he was able to do what God wanted him to do among his fellow Israelites. Of course, just what went through Ezekiel’s mind or what mental process he used to get a feel for the people, to appreciate their unique needs, we’ll never know. For us, however, I think we can reliably count on 3 steps to take in our pondering – especially when faced with trying to love someone we may not like all that much.
Step One: Think about the other person involved. Really consider them. In your mind, sit, so to speak, in their chair or walk in their shoes as best you can. What’s it like to be them? What do you know about this person’s past? What factors could have contributed to making them as they are? What is going on now in their lives? What stresses are there in their lives that could so profoundly influence their behavior? As best you can figure out, if you were in fact in their shoes or in their chair, what would it be like?
The French have a saying that may help us here: “That which one can understand one can forgive.” I really like that. This has certainly been my experience. Trying hard to understand a particular tough-to-deal-with person really makes a huge difference in my behavior towards them.
Step two: Consider yourself. Psychologists say we all employ various kinds of defense mechanisms to protect our egos form taking in more truth about ourselves than we’re able to handle. One such mechanism, as it turns out, finds us hating in others that which we secretly wish we possessed in our own lives.
For example, if I wish I weren’t so reticent, wish I could be more assertive, then bold, aggressive people are likely going to bug me more than anybody. Or, sometimes older people have a knee-jerk reaction towards younger people and vice versa because they so desperately either long to have their youth back in the case of the older folks, or fear getting older in the case of the younger ones. Or middle class people knee-jerk despise rich people because we wish we had their money. Or maybe despise poor people because we don’t want to be like them.
Accordingly, as we think about what’s going on in us that may be causing us problems with certain kinds of people, a whole new understanding of ourselves can ensue and a whole new perspective on the relationship be gained. And from this we’ll find ourselves better able to participate in a healthier and positive relationship.
Consider the other; consider yourself. A third step is to consider both ourselves and the other we’re trying to love in the light of God. I’m listing this #3, but frankly, we’re not going to be very successful at steps 1 and 2 without it.
So, what does it mean to consider both the other person and myself in the light of God? It means that if we’re taking this Christianity thing seriously at all, we’ve got to act on the presumption that what’s involved in any relationship is much more than merely an encounter of persons.
As Christians, meeting people is always a divine experience. That is, to follow Christ means we never completely give up on the possibility of getting alone with another. We may reach a point when we can’t possibly imagine what more we can do, but if we’re trying to stay in love with Christ we know we can’t just close the door and click the latch and forget about it. We just can’t do that.
Which means, bottom line, that the person who bugs you most, whom you find the most difficult of all to love, needs to be someone you pray for every day. You may have to grit your teeth as you utter their name to God, but if that’s what you have to do, do it.
Some people find it works best to pray the Lord’s Prayer and substitute that person’s name into it. As in, “Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name to ‘Frank and to me.’ Thy Kingdom come to Frank and to me, thy will be done in Frank’s life and in mine, on earth as it is in heaven. Give Frank and me this day our daily bread and forgive Frank his sins and forgive me mine as he and I are enabled to forgive those who sin against us. And don’t lead either Frank or me into temptation and deliver Frank and me from evil.”
I can almost guarantee you your offering, that if you pray thusly and regularly for someone with whom you’re at odds God will answer your prayer in surprising, almost miraculous ways.
Consider the other person; consider yourself; consider the other person and yourself before God in prayer. All are ways we can do the modern equivalent of sitting for a spell in another person’s chair. All are ways, in fact, whether eventually successful or not, of sincerely trying to love one another and honor God.
Why go to such lengths? Because Jesus told us to.
In fact, as we heard him say when the Gospel was read: “By this kind of going the extra mile kind of loving everyone will know that you are my disciples.”
